I feel like…

I feel like I’ve been going through a dark night of the soul these last couple of years the unexpected always pulling the rug out from under me, too many changes in the wind for me to count altering the course of direction that I thought I was headed in, creating chaos and conflict daring me to move, forcing my hand at times. It’s as if the universe knows something I don’t. Could it be fate, destiny if there even is such a thing, maybe my manifestations? Honestly I don’t know anymore but I do know I’m tired of holding on to people who don’t care to hold on to me. To the things that no longer serve me. I’m done fighting the universe, I’m done fighting myself. I like to think that I am a reflection of the universe so maybe it’s time I pay attention to what it is trying to tell me, what the part of me that sees the unseen wants. It’s time to shift my bones and step out of my fear, my worries and trust that everything is going to work out the way that it is meant to. That everything is happening the way it was meant to. It’s time for me to get out of my own way, release the part of me that is stubborn to change and let things be, allow things to play out and see where I am led to next.

© Aanchal Gounder

I danced in the arms of death…

I danced in the arms of death. His soft whispers glided across my bare skin and tales of memories lost in the chasms of his sweet touches floated through the air.

He felt like home and so we danced some more. He twirled me with a force so powerful electrifying my every nerve, nestling me in silken ribbons of onyx he left a trail of burning kisses down my nape.

I lost myself in his arms that night.

Even now in the stillness of the darkest hours, I hear his music and death asking me for another dance.

© Aanchal Gounder

I wrote this in 2015 I just found it and thought I’d post it. I wanted to re-edit it and change it up because I know I can make it so much better but I still remember the night I wrote this the moment when I knew it was the beginning of my world starting to fall apart again and I was thinking back to the time I tried to take my own life because I was getting close to the edge again and this is what I created.  

It was a Sunday…

It was a Sunday like no other

there was no gentle breeze

the wind was speaking itself into a frenzy, tortured as if it couldn’t quite get its bearing and it did not spare me as it passed by it left me in bruises some shallow some deep and whispered a secret that I could never seek to understand

but I understood the frenzy of its soul.

A Sunday like no other

the sun was lashing out, a passionate rage, fighting against the inevitable darkness. It lit the sky in flames igniting the clouds into a fury of colors, drowning the earth in its drunken madness as if it was its last hurrah, it wanted to be felt and so it rained fire

and it burned and I burned with it.

It was a Sunday like no other and as the dark came it swallowed the sun whole but spared me so I stayed and met it with a smile but the moon was in a mood not so bright, it did not want to say hello instead it hid amongst the ravens of the night and their vengeful thunderbolts, I could hear the chaos booming through the night so violent so full of fright

it stirred awake within me a chaos otherworldly, it said hello

and because it was a Sunday like no other I welcomed it home.

© Aanchal Gounder

Ever have one….

Ever have one of those silent gut-wrenching cries in the bathroom or maybe when you’re laying down in the dark at night, you know the kind where you cover your mouth and hope you don’t make a sound so no one else will hear you while completely falling apart?  It happens. It just happened the other day for me. That’s part of my present and I make the best of it. I’m human and I know I’m not alone in this. Life is messy. We all have our stories, we all have been through hell at one point or another. Some more often than others but that doesn’t make anyone’s pain less than. Your pain is your pain, if it hurts then it hurts and that is enough for it to matter. There was a time I thought I was alone in my suffering that I should be ashamed of the dark thoughts that transpired. So yes, when I get to that point of silently crying because it’s all become too much and everything is just hitting me all at once I still have thoughts of not wanting to be here anymore, at that moment everything is so bleak and every ugly thing I can say to myself, I say it. I don’t hold back. But when I’m done, I wipe away my tears and wait for tomorrow. Face another day, and that within itself is winning for me.

© Aanchal Gounder